GOOD JOKES!!!...lets hear em...

[iron_maiden]

"One of the funniest "most-embarrassing-moment" stories I've come upon in a long time was about a lady who picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to
hear: 'PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN. TAMPAX, SUPERSIZE.' That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word 'Tampax' for 'THUMBTACKS.' In a business like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom: 'DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?'"

[ottoman68]

Three nuns in church on a hot day decide to remove their robes because of the heat. Not an unusual habit on a hot day. So about a half hour later, the door bell rings while their robes are slumped over pews clear across the huge chapel.

They ask who it is. "The blind man," a voice replies.

The three nuns decide to simply open the door because the man is blind. He walks in, looks at the nuns and says, "Nice TITS! Where do you want me to install these blinds?"

[iron_maiden]

ok...my turn again.......

A guy and his girlfriend were driving along the highway when they hit a skunk....

They stopped and went to see it and it was still alive so they decided to take it to the vet...

when they got into the car and started to drive the skunk started to shiver...

"awwwwww" the girl said "it's cold"

The guy said "put it between your legs"

"what about the smell" she replied

"plug it's nose"

:-*

[coyboy]

A stockbroker catches his wife in bed with another man.

He says to her, "What's going on?"

She say's, "Believe it or not, John, I've gone public!"

[ripple]

People over 35 should be dead.

Here's why ...........

According to today's regulators
and bureaucrats, those of us
who were kids in the 40's,
50's, 60's, or even maybe
the early 70's probably
shouldn't have survived.

Our baby cribs were covered
with bright colored lead-based
paint.

We had no childproof lids
on medicine bottles, doors
or cabinets, ... and when we
rode our bikes, we had no
helmets.
(Not to mention the risks
we took hitchhiking.)

As children, we would ride
in cars with no seatbelts
or air bags.

Riding in the back of a pickup
truck on a warm day was
always a special treat.

We drank water from the
garden hose and not from
a bottle.

Horrors!

We ate cupcakes, bread and
butter, and drank soda pop
with sugar in it, but we were
never overweight because
we were always outside
playing.

We shared one soft drink
with four friends, from one
bottle, and no one actually
died from this.

We would spend hours building
our go-carts out of scraps
and then rode down the hill,
only to find out we forgot
the brakes.

After running into the bushes
a few times, we learned to
solve the problem.

We would leave home in the
morning and play all day,
as long as we were back
when the street lights
came on.

No one was able to
reach us all day.

NO CELL PHONES!!!!!

Unthinkable!

We did not have Playstations,
Nintendo 64, X-Boxes, no
video games at all, no 99
channels on cable, video
tape movies, surround
sound, personal cell phones,
personal computers, or Internet >
We had friends!

We went outside and found
them.

We played dodge ball, and
sometimes, the ball would
really hurt.

We fell out of trees, got
cut and broke bones and
teeth, and there were no
lawsuits from these accidents.

They were accidents.

No one was to blame but us.

Remember accidents?

We had fights and punched
each other and got black
and blue and learned to get
over it.
We made up games with
sticks and tennis balls and
ate worms, and although we
were told it would happen,
we did not put out very many
eyes, nor did the worms
live inside us forever.

We rode bikes or walked to
a friend's home and knocked
on the door, or rang the
bell or just walked in and
talked to them.

Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team.

Those who didn't had to
learn to deal with disappointment.

Some students weren't as
smart as others, so they
failed a grade and were
held back to repeat the
same grade.

Horrors!

Tests were not adjusted
for any reason.

Our actions were our own.

Consequences were expected.

The idea of a parent bailing
us out if we broke a law
was unheard of.

They actually sided
with the law.

Imagine that!

This generation has produced
some of the best risk-takers
and problem solvers and
inventors, ever.

The past 50 years have
been an explosion of
innovation and new
ideas.

We had freedom, failure,
success and responsibility,
and we learned how to deal
with it all.

And you're one of them!

Congratulations!

Please pass this on to others
who have had the luck to grow
up as kids, before lawyers
and government regulated our
lives, for our own good !!!!!


People under 30 are WIMPS !

[ripple]

THE MIDGET WITH THE LISP AND THE HORTH



A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend over
to look at a horse. His buddy asks. "How will I recognize him?"



"That's easy. He's a midget with a speech impediment".



So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or
female horse.



"A female horth."



So he shows him a prized filly.



"Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth?"



So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.



"Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth?"



So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.



"Nith earzth, can I see her mouf?"



The rancher is gettin' pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up
again and shows him the horse's mouth.



"Nice mouf, can I see her t wat?"



Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and
rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's t wat, pulls him out and
slams him on the ground.



The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.



"Perhapth I thould rephrase that; "Can I thee her wun awound a Widdlebit"?

[ripple]

Two coonass go moose hunting to a remote lake only accessible by plane...

When the pilot lands he says "Look, when I come back, I can only take you two guys and one moose. So if you get more than one moose, you're gonna have to leave 'em".

Well sure enough, the pilot comes back at the end of the week and the coonass have two moose.
So the pilot says " I thought I told you the plane could only fit you two guys, and ONE moose."

One of the coonass say, "Well, last year the pilot said the same thing, and we gave him an extra hundred bucks and he put both moose onto the plane".

The pilot looks at his plane... then at the moose, scratches his head, and says "Well... OK".

So, the coonass load everything onto the plane.
The plane goes rippin' across the lake and they try to take off, but they clip the top of the trees, and they crash.
There's some moaning on the ground, and the one coonass says "What Happened?".
The other coonass says "We've crashed".

The first coonass says, "Where are we?".
The second coonass says "ABOUT A HUNDRED YARDS FURTHER THAN LAST YEAR!".

O.K. The wife on a certain man had enough of his drinking. She told him the next time he gets drunk, she is getting a divorce. He goes 6 months without touching a drop. One day a buddy calls up and wants to go have a beer. He explains that he can't drink, put they could go out and eat. Well, as the night goes on, they end up hitting a bar at which they get drunk as hell. At the end of the night he thinks to himself, how am I going to get out of this. I know, I will have oral sex with her. She loves that. He gets home, sneaks into the bedroom, slips under the sheets at the bottom of the bed, and starts having oral sex with her. She moves side to side, moaning and growning to no end. When he is finished, he gets up, goes toward the bathroom, only to notice the light on. He opens the door to see his wife, and she says, be quite, you will wake mother up in our bed.

[coyboy]

A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded around a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheeling and dealing they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot.
Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a rip-off! I put him on the pot before a whole audience and he didn't dance a single step!" "So?" asked the duck's former owner, "did you remember to light the candle under the pot?"

[iron_maiden]

Top 10 Summer Camps you should not send your kids to:

10. Tommy Lee's---------- Camp Kickachickee
9. Lorena Bobbit's------ Camp Cutaweewee
8. Tanya Harding's------ Camp Wackaneenee
7. Kenneth Star's------- Camp Catchacrookee
6. Louis Farakahn's----- Camp Killawhitey
5. O.J. Simpson's------- Camp Killachickee
4. Michael Jackson's---- Camp Wannabewhitey
3. President Clinton's-- Camp Getahoochie
2. Ellen Degeneras's---- Camp Lickacoochie

And the number one camp not to send your kid to:

1. Monica Lewinsky's---- Camp Suckapeepee